I seriously want ice cream

I'm quite frugal when I'm shopping, at least when I'm low on money. I'll often pass something delicious and say to myself, "NO. I'm going to be responsible and only buy what I need to SURVIVE; Too bad for you, future-self-with-cravings. I'M IN CHARGE HERE. HAHAHA". I'm setting myself up really, cause I know that I'll be too lazy to go out again to buy it later. Usually this works out alright, and I get to feel awesome about my high level of self-discipline.

Sometimes though, this genius plan backfires, and I get the munchies so bad that my brain refuses to function unless I give in to its demands.


Typically, this behavior will emerge by the time evening has fallen and it's dark outside. Which is why I use the term "backfire", because had it been at a godly hour, it would not be such a dilemma. But you see, I really don't like the dark.

This puts me in a very emotionally distressing situation. I NEED to appease my brain's appetite, but I'm too scared to go outside. What? It's totally normal to be afraid of the dark. DON'T JUDGE ME. There are serial killers and rapists out there. And possibly bears. I live in Norway after all, I'm practically in the wilderness. And it doesn't help that I'm nearsighted and everything is blurry an arms length in front of me.

Here's a fairly accurate depiction of how I experience walking outside by myself at night:

Someone suggested that by wearing as many layers of clothes and coats as possible, I could possibly ward off bears as they would mistake me for being an even LARGER bear. It also has the added bonus of making me less of a desirable target to potential rapists. At first, I though this was a great idea, but the flaws eventually surfaced. The bear could very well take it as a CHALLENGE and wish to flaunt its dominance over me. Not to mention the ineffectiveness on threats of the paranormal sort.

So I didn't go out, and could not cater to the needs of my advanced brain. Instead, I sat the entire evening exuding unproductivitity (Why is that not a word??)

Nothing is quite as scary as darkness in your own home though. Because it inevitably has to be dealt with. When adventuring downstairs, it's usually just a simple matter of turning the lights on. The way back up is what's challenging, because then I have to turn the lights OFF, leaving me vulnerable until I can get back upstairs to safety of my illuminated room.

My usual tactic for this is, after turning off the last light, SPRINT up the stairs as fast as possible, before anything can emerge from the darkness to snatch me. In doing this, I usually freak myself out even more because I'm literally running away, which in my mind, confirms that there's obviously something to run from in the first place.

I am a mentally sane person, by the way.

The there's the basement. Not only is it dark, its UNDER THE GROUND. Just like hell. Except there's no fire to keep the darkness out, and as a result it's also really fucking cold.
And I'm positive that something is down there. Which is why I never venture into the basement unless it's an absolute necessity (like I'm out of clean underwear cause I've been avoiding doing laundry cause the washing machine is down there), and even then, I take safety precautions such as only going in broad daylight.

There's not really a happy way to end this post.

Here's a cute little hamster.

Why I don't eat fish.

Do you know what's lying right in front of the passageway to your stomach? You're HEART. That means if you accidentally swallow a fish bone, it can stab through the passageway and straight into your heart. And you'll die..

YEA. That's WHAT'S UP.

Just watch out for those sex traders and satanic cult sacrifices and you'll be fine

So I was reading up a little on Arizona cause my dad is building a Ranch down there.

I goggled "benefits of living in Arizona". I found some interesting information. Here's a bit I particularly enjoyed from "Yahoo! Answers" (you may need to click to enlarge):

I like how the writer is so casual about it. "There's some snakes, toads, oh and also some human trafficking and satanic cult sacrifices, no biggie.. Then there's the immigrants; Damn those Mexicans. Overall, I recommend it."

I made a rape joke

I don't know whether to be incredibly impressed with myself, or concerned:

"Knock knock?
Who's there?
PENIS!!!!"

Yea... It's so inappropriate that it doesn't even follow the knock knock joke rules by following up with a "Penis who?"
That would just be silly.

Shark Sushi

I totally just invented a new tongue twister AND possibly a culinary delight. At the same time.

Shark Sushi.

Go ahead! Try to say it out loud.

If you managed, it's just cause you thought about it too hard while you were saying it. Stop trying to be cool. If your so hot, why don't you eat some shark sushi? I made you some. (Those are razor sharp teeth sticking out in case you didn't notice.)

Nom nom nom nom.

Shark Attack Survival Guide with Terry Schappert

Introduction

Terry here is going to assist me in this guide with his pearls of survival wisdom.

"Hi. I'm Terry Schappert. I've survived in some of the most DANGEROUS environments on the planet. In combat, you learn fast that half the battle is knowing how to adapt to your situation. I'm going to examine the worst case scenarios in shark attacks - And how to survive!"

Did I mention Terry Schappert is a United States Army Special Force soldier, a medical sergeant, AND a martial artist?


Cause he is.

note: (All Terry Schappert quotes are actual quotes from the show)!

Scenario #1 : Your boat is on FIRE!

Time to jump ship into the shark infested open ocean before you blow up - as opposed to having chunks of your body bitten off while you struggle to not drown. Obviously the better choose in this scenario.

"QUICK! You only have SECONDS to make decisions that will determine weather you LIVE or DIE!"

Did you make some decisions? Good. Hopefully you had enough survival instinct to calmly assess the situation and analytically toss an object that will decrease your chances of beating eaten alive, into the water, while your boat was capsizing.


No? Well your probably screwed in this case then cause you happen to need THREE things to survive the "critical phase" after an accident like this:
1. Flotation. (You already drowning now)
2. Something to bind your wounds if you have any (hopefully you weren't wearing something silly like a swim suit)
3. A WEAPON (You always bring your weapons with you right? Don't accidentally cut yourself cause you'll actually be making the situation WORSE)

By the way, I hope you weren't fishing or doing any other ocean-related activity, cause this tends to draw the attention of hungry sharks. But even if you weren't doing anything at all. The sound of your boat wreck will attract curious sharks from miles away almost instantly anyway.

"DON'T PANIC. STAY CALM. ANY MISTAKE YOU MAKE WILL COST YOU YOUR LIFE."

You're gonna want an empty water bottle so that you can use it as goggles and keep a look-out for sharks. Hopefully you threw one of those into the water earlier. If you do have one, be sure not to make ANY noise with it, as sharks are ESPECIALLY attracted to plastic bottle noises.

"If your a hard target, the sharks may decide your not worth the trouble." Lets see, you have no flotation device, and no weapon, and I'm willing to bet your spurting blood without even noticing cause your a klutz who cut yourself while jumping into the water... I hardly think your a difficult target at this point. Maybe you should have read this earlier? If you're really lucky, a rescue vessel will find you before you either drown or loose your leg. But I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Scenario #2: OH SH!T. A CHUNK OF ME IS MISSING.

"On the beach in shallow water, you'd think you'd be safe. BUT YOUR WRONG... In a way, sharks are using a military tactic, where they see the enemy, drive it towards a terrain feature, they trap it, go in and *SLAMS FIST INTO HAND* finish em off!" (Yea. He really said/did that.)

When is the water TOO shallow for shark attack?

NEVER. They will follow you all the way up to shore if you taste enough like fish heads. But lucky for you, in such a scenario. You could easily outrun the shark, as it has no legs (assuming you still have yours).

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GRAB A SHARK (Just in case someone felt like acting cool, in which case, go ahead Terry).

So how do you handle a situation where you or someone else has been attacked?

"I know these attacks are extremely rare, but as a green beret medic, I know EXACTLY what to do if I see one."
1. Remove yourself from the threat
2. Stop the bleeding. "Dude - give me your t-shirt. Now I'm going to whip out my knife and cut a strip" Again, we're all remembering to carry weapons with us at all times, right?
3. Check to make sure you haven't missed any wounds. Cause sometimes shark bites are easy to miss.
4. Reassure the victim. "HEY DUDE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE TODAY. I GOT YA! IT'S ALL RIGHT BRO. YOU OK MAN?" No, he's not OK. A 10 foot 500 pound fish just chewed him up and spit him out.

"The wound is very similar to what we see in a combat zone.." Really, Terry?.. Really? "Those principles that we use over in Irak and Afghanistan apply right here in the beach!" Ah, yea. I totally forgot you were a soldier. Apparently one that fought sharks in Irak.


Scenario #3: Who would win in a game of tug-of-war. You or the shark?

Am I serious?

Yes I am. Terry is definitely serious. The shark would win, by the way; Now I will needlessly explain why: A shark is about 85% muscle. A human, about 40% "I was kinda thinking I was more like... 60%"

No Terry, you're not some kind of shark hybrid merman.

"With a great white shark, your odds of survival are pretty much zero." That's very comforting. After all, this is a show about survival. "But with these reef sharks, I MIGHT have a fighting chance" Oh well that gives a lot of hope to the rest of us normal people - Wait, fighting chance at what? Just what crazy stunt are you planning now?

"... So to see how hard a shark can pull, we're gonna set up a little tug-of-war. This end of the rope goes around me, and we're attaching a piece of bait to the other end. Then, I'm gonna jump into the shark infested waters."

/facepalm

"Now I've trained with some pretty strong guys, but this is the first time I've every competed with a shark" *GRIN*

This is just plain silly, and not all applicable to any form of survival.

"Understand - He is gonna be relentless, so YOU gotta be relentless too. You're gonna keep fighting until your FREE or you DIE." Thanks, definitely gonna keep that in mind next time I decide to willingly participate in a tug-of-war with a shark.


Scenario #4: What to do if you and a shark are in the same cage.

"So here's a scenario where the victims actually planned to see and interact with the sharks. They believed they were safe."

Yes, you expect to be safe in a metal cage. But you'd be WRONG. To put it simply, a shark can basically torpedo itself into the cage in blind rage. Yes, they are THAT awesome. However, they would then be stuck, unable to create the same amount of momentum to get out.

Not so smart after all, huh shark? You should have thought that one through a little more.

Of course, Terry here is going to reenact this situation, locking himself in a diving cage with a shark, and show us how to survive this "nightmare scenario". He is, of course, wearing chain-mail scuba diving gear, and the cage has a little opening cut out so that Terry can "guide" the shark out of the cage. In real life, however, don't expect there to be a shark-sized opening in the cage. It seems very counterproductive to the cage's sole purpose of keeping you out of danger.

I really think Terry just wants to wrestle with a shark to show us all how cool he is.

"Close combat is my specialty!"

Well guess what Terry? Sharks have more testosterone than any other animal on the planet. That makes sharks MORE MANLY than you!


Conclusion

There really is no winning against a shark.

Shark > You

Though I think we can all agree that (if you encounter and live through such an ordeal) having a massive shark bite scar to show off to people would be insanely kick-ass.

The Death Machine

My job is the kind that involves hazardous limb-threatening machines, razor sharp edges, and glass.

Which really lets me utilize my amazing talent for getting cut, burned and dropping things to its fullest potential!


Considering my klutzy disposition, I sometimes get the feeling I probably should not be working with dismembering-capable contraptions obviously meant to be handled by grizzly lumberjack men.

Today's offender is only one of several such contraptions.


I quickly shake off those doubts though because luckily, none of these are capable of actually killing me without some serious determination from my side. I suppose the title of this post is a bit misleading. Sorry about that.


Wondering what the heck this thing is?

Yea, I bet you are.

A letter to my crawly pursuer:

Dear indiscernible creepy-crawly:

I was laying in bed minding my own business when you so rudely intruded on me.

Didn't you see that I was trying to fall asleep? Do insects even sleep? Maybe you can't even grasp the concept. Hold on, I'm going to look it up...

Ok. Yes, you do sleep. Sort of.

So you really should be more sensitive of MY need to sleep. You don't see me running around looking for insects to step on during their quiescent periods, do you? NO. You don't. Because I care.

Yet, you felt entitled to invade the personal space of my shoulder, no doubt to try feed on me. In an instinctive attempt to ensure my survival, I grabbed and tossed you off - In a very swift, impressive maneuver; I did NOT want to smash you and be covered in your bodily fluids, ew.

I panicked. What did you expect?

Did you think I would just lay there petrified while you had your way with me?
If so, you really overestimate yourself, bug. I mean, it's good to have self confidence and all. I'm sure all the ladies were wooing over your impressive display of macho-ness back there. But I'm at LEAST five times bigger than you are.

That would be like me picking a fight with a 30-foot long grizzly bear.

That's CRAZY.

You won't get far in life if you keep up this reckless attitude. Just be glad I didn't find you afterwards, cause who knows what else I would have done in my panic-imbued rage.

In the future, you may want to restrict your peacocking antics to the daytime, when I'm not jumpy from being afraid of REAL life-endangering threats like ghosts. Then I might spare you the embarrassment of being violently tossed. Depending on your ensuing behavior, I may even let you sit on me for a short while just to give you an ego boost. See how nice I can be if you show some consideration?

Stop bugging me.

- Tiff

RWaarRW SHARKS

So, it's shark week. Or should I say - WAS shark week, I think it's over now. I'm unsure since Discovery channel here in Norway apparently thinks it's too good for shark week and forewent it altogether.

In attempt to comfort myself with the lack of shark programming, I watched Shark Tale. Ok, that's not entirely true. I was going to watch Shark Tale regardless cause I was on a Dreamworks movie spree. (I've gotten my hands on some of the actual documentaries that ran on Discovery this year though \o/)

Anyway, I don't think anyone can deny the awesomeness of sharks, what with their endless sets of teeth and the dramatic background music that follows them around.

So in honor of shark week here's an awesome captivating picture by Sam Nielson, followed by an even more impressive animation made by me.

What have YOU done for shark week?

Madagascar vs The Wild

So, I'm a huge fan of Dreamwork's Madagascar. In fact, the second one is even better than the first! (A rare joy).

I'm also a big fan of IMDB. So when IMDB lovingly suggested Disney's "The Wild" under recommendations, I naively trusted them.

If you have not seen either of these movies, let me fill you in a little.
First, let's look at their plot lines, shall we? (Shamelessly taken from IMDB)

Madagascar (Released 2005): At New York's Central Park Zoo, a lion, a zebra, a giraffe, and a hippo are best friends and stars of the show. But when one of the animals goes missing from their cage, the other three break free to look for him, only to find themselves reunited ... on a ship en route to Africa. When their vessel is hijacked, however, the friends, who have all been raised in captivity, learn first-hand what life can be like in the wild.

The Wild (Released 2006): An adolescent lion is accidentally shipped from the New York Zoo to Africa. Now running free, his zoo pals must put aside their differences to help bring him back.


*cough*


So let's look at some of the similarities between the two films here:
- The main character is a Lion
- Said lion and his friends live in a Zoo
- The Zoo is in New York
- One of the characters wants to escape to the WILD
- The gang winds up in the wild where they encounter obstacles.
- Inter species love

Practically the same movie, right? SO WRONG

So.. it's bad enough that Disney decides to rip off Madagascar. What's worse though, is they do a bad job at it. No wait, that's an understatement; It was practically unwatchable. I started reading forums etc while the movie was running in the background cause I found it so unstimulating. It really had nothing going for it.

What made it so god-awful? Well for one, all the characters lacked any real personality. Ryan, one of the main characters was basically the stereotype emo adolescent, going through lion puberty or something. Distraught over his inability to roar like his father. "Father lion" had the typical "I can't show my son that I'm weak so I'll tell him all these made up stories about how great I am, without realizing that I'm giving him an impossible standard to live up to" personality. Then the kid, in an act of tween emoness, decided to take a nap in the forewarned "GREEN BOX" that shipped zoo animals into the WILD! (He didn't even REALLY want to go, he was just acting out). Needless to say, father lion and his faithful pals set off to rescue him.

The side characters were so dull and uninteresting. I can't recall their names or purpose in the story. Compare this to Madagascar, where all the side characters are interesting, if not more so than the main characters (hello mafia penguin squad!!).

Aside from the actual story being totally lame and corny. Even the 3d was irritating to look at. Like they were trying too hard to make it look realistic, but it ended up just looking like they're trying to hard... Kinda like EQ2 vs WoW. Madagascar, on the other hand, is colorful and has a "style". They did an awesome job with expressions as well.

Then there's the SOUNDTRACK. Madagascar, hands-down coolest soundtrack ever.. Like I even need to say it. There is just no competition. In fact, It's probably a bit cruel to compare any film of this genre to Madagascar - but hey, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Let's see a comparison shall we?

The Wild:



/facepalm

Madagascar:
(I could not just pick just one, so here's a couple clips, for your enjoyment!)









So, in conclusion.

Madagascar = WIN
The Wild = FAIL