First-Impressions: Limbo

... Because I can't be arsed to finish the game in order to write a "fair" review. Not that I need to. Cause I'm always right anyway.

I'd been excited about Limbo for a while, so when it when on sale on Steam today for 2.5 euro, I grabbed it.

Total waste of 19kr and 8 minutes of my life.

It is my sincere hope is that my time and effort spent writing this might spare someone else 8 minutes of Limbo. (I see what I did there).

The game started out as what I thought was a cut-scene, until nothing happened for about 2 minutes and I realized I was supposed to move. The kid you play as seems to be slow in the head and a poor jumper. I'm fairly certain he was mentally challenged. Or possibly even Mexican. My first encounter with water went something like "Oh, I'll just swim across this little puddle. What? You DROWNED from that?". Pathetic. He also steps on bear traps and can't do anything cool for that matter. Who wants to escape from reality to one where you play as a slow, short, snot-faced incapable kid? Not me. The game was too slow-paced, and controls unsatisfying unresponsive. Maybe if there was some background music I wouldn't have been so utterly bored. Though I may just be spoiled by all the fast-paced, high energy games I've been conquering lately, like VVVVVV, Super Meat Boy and Bit Trip Runner. All of which you play as awesome characters!

In Super Meat Boy, you get to play as, you guessed it! A PIECE OF MEAT. Who leaves a succulent trail of meat juice behind it, and sticks oh so deliciously to walls, and splatters beautifully all over the level when you get yourself ground up. In Bit Trip Runner you're basically farting rainbows as you run at impossibly high speeds. No further argument needed.

Oops, I went off track talking about games that are actually cool.

I'll give Limbo one thing, they certainly picked out a good title that expresses just how unexceptional it is:

Limbo: An intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place; an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes: in limbo.

I was definitely in a condition between two extremes while playing Limbo: apathy for the game, and sympathy for the retarded kid.

In conclusion, here's a fairly accurate depiction of how I felt playing Limbo:

VVVVVV

So I finally beat this game, and it was a blast. Never had so much fun being frustrated before! I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves difficult sidescrollers. And awesome music.













Doing this was, of course, my proudest moment:

When life gives you limes..

Cut that shit up with a knife, straight through to your hand!

No, not really. This was of course an accident; I'm not into self-cutting or anything (not much anyway).
But I do think that blood is beautiful and I couldn't help taking advantage of the opportunity to take some pictures when it was bleeding as much as it was.

And of course, as dexterous as I am, I succeeded in sullying my white couch. But this offered little to no challenge for my superior homely stain-removing skills. *cough* Tide pen *cough*.

How YOU doin'?

I've decided that I'm going to stop punishing my blog with all this neglect (a good years worth!). It looks like it has learned its lesson, so maybe I'll make an effort to start posting again. My other "blog" is, after all, becomingly increasingly pathetic. SO I'm going to try to balance out my imaginary literary scale a bit.

Also, I apparently saved a handful of drafts before the dry-spell.. So I have something to go on. Thank you, overly-zealous past-self!

Facebook feels sorry for me

If facebook asks you to "suggest friends" for me, please don't do it. I know facebook probably feels terribly sorry for me cause I have under 100 internet friends and all, but I really don't need it's pity. YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME LOOK PATHETIC TO ALL MY FRIENDS, FACEBOOK. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT??? STOP MAKING IT LOOK LIKE I DESPERATELY NEED HELP!!

I seriously want ice cream

I'm quite frugal when I'm shopping, at least when I'm low on money. I'll often pass something delicious and say to myself, "NO. I'm going to be responsible and only buy what I need to SURVIVE; Too bad for you, future-self-with-cravings. I'M IN CHARGE HERE. HAHAHA". I'm setting myself up really, cause I know that I'll be too lazy to go out again to buy it later. Usually this works out alright, and I get to feel awesome about my high level of self-discipline.

Sometimes though, this genius plan backfires, and I get the munchies so bad that my brain refuses to function unless I give in to its demands.


Typically, this behavior will emerge by the time evening has fallen and it's dark outside. Which is why I use the term "backfire", because had it been at a godly hour, it would not be such a dilemma. But you see, I really don't like the dark.

This puts me in a very emotionally distressing situation. I NEED to appease my brain's appetite, but I'm too scared to go outside. What? It's totally normal to be afraid of the dark. DON'T JUDGE ME. There are serial killers and rapists out there. And possibly bears. I live in Norway after all, I'm practically in the wilderness. And it doesn't help that I'm nearsighted and everything is blurry an arms length in front of me.

Here's a fairly accurate depiction of how I experience walking outside by myself at night:

Someone suggested that by wearing as many layers of clothes and coats as possible, I could possibly ward off bears as they would mistake me for being an even LARGER bear. It also has the added bonus of making me less of a desirable target to potential rapists. At first, I though this was a great idea, but the flaws eventually surfaced. The bear could very well take it as a CHALLENGE and wish to flaunt its dominance over me. Not to mention the ineffectiveness on threats of the paranormal sort.

So I didn't go out, and could not cater to the needs of my advanced brain. Instead, I sat the entire evening exuding unproductivitity (Why is that not a word??)

Nothing is quite as scary as darkness in your own home though. Because it inevitably has to be dealt with. When adventuring downstairs, it's usually just a simple matter of turning the lights on. The way back up is what's challenging, because then I have to turn the lights OFF, leaving me vulnerable until I can get back upstairs to safety of my illuminated room.

My usual tactic for this is, after turning off the last light, SPRINT up the stairs as fast as possible, before anything can emerge from the darkness to snatch me. In doing this, I usually freak myself out even more because I'm literally running away, which in my mind, confirms that there's obviously something to run from in the first place.

I am a mentally sane person, by the way.

The there's the basement. Not only is it dark, its UNDER THE GROUND. Just like hell. Except there's no fire to keep the darkness out, and as a result it's also really fucking cold.
And I'm positive that something is down there. Which is why I never venture into the basement unless it's an absolute necessity (like I'm out of clean underwear cause I've been avoiding doing laundry cause the washing machine is down there), and even then, I take safety precautions such as only going in broad daylight.

There's not really a happy way to end this post.

Here's a cute little hamster.

Why I don't eat fish.

Do you know what's lying right in front of the passageway to your stomach? You're HEART. That means if you accidentally swallow a fish bone, it can stab through the passageway and straight into your heart. And you'll die..

YEA. That's WHAT'S UP.